not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
