in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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