fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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