No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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