As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
