The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
