my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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