Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
