there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
