By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
