Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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