She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
