You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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