5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
