Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
