dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
