Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
