He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
