Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
