I accidentally had phone sex last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
