Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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