just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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