I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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