i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
