It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
