I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
