ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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