What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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