how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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