Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
