I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
