You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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