I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
