Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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