We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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