no, he came in my armpit
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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