He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
