if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
