I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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