Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
