Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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