my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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