Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
