dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
