If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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