you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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