my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
