mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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