guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
