Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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