I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
