Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
